What I learned from the meanest sorority on the internets

In the wedding-planning world, it's pretty popular to bash knotties . Search "knotties" or "theknot" on other popular wedding websites and you'll see what I mean. The ladies over at other community sites think we're awful. The offshoots of the knot - thenest and thebump, have similar reputations. And, while I've had my share of unflattering things to say about the knotties, it occurred to me that I should give them their due credit as well.

As you readers know, I was engaged once before. For my entire year-long engagement, I was a very active knot community member, so much so that it was probably a bad idea, but I thought my internet friends were just grand! We participate in G2Gs (get-togethers, for the uninitiated), became Facebook friends, and even attended each others' weddings whenever a knottie came in under her inflated North Jersey reception hall minimum, so they weren't just the people in the computer who talked to me - they were real. Having a group of girls all planning their weddings together gives you an endless number of resources, referrals, and ideas that you can't get from bridal magazines and would otherwise have to pay for from wedding planners. It was super! Except, like any big group of girls, we had our moments. We were cliquey, mean, withering, condesending know-it-alls who stuck together. Which was great, until you wound up on the other side. Then, it totally sucked.

You know where this is going, don't you? I started to doubt my relationship and wanted to call off my wedding. I shared my feelings (WAY too much of them) with my internet friends and they revolted. They couldn't understand why I'd want to leave a man who loved me or why I'd share my personal business on the web. On that second one, they really had a good point, but we're talking about people who regularly listed their sexual preferences on a public message board as well as the link to half-nakes photos of themselves, so I wasn't really "getting it" at that point. To make a long story short, I wound up on the wrong end of the knottie mob mentality. Not a fun place, to say the least. Insults were hurled, accusations were made, and the whole thing just kind of fell apart in my hands. I was crushed that all my internet friends seemed not only to have turned against me, but to delight in my misfortune.

This was over two years ago. I swore off the knot and moved on with my life, but did retain some of my knottie Facebook friends. Not every knottie is evil, I promise you. Despite the mob mentality, there were a few knotties who were real friends to me, and didn't participate in the bashing. And I'm glad I held on to them. They've gotten me job interviews, met me for after-work drinks, gone out to see bands with me, offered me their advice and the benefit of their experience both in wedding-planning (the second time around) and life. I feel fortunate that I've been able to return many of those favors, as well. Two of those fake internet friends were even in attendance at my bridal shower and will be at my wedding next month. Ironically, it was my knottie friend who won the "How well do you know the bride" contest. I'm not sure whether to be tickled or ashamed by that!

The takeaway from all this is not only that you can't judge an entire group of people by the bad behavior of a few, but that sometimes there's something to be learned from even the unkind behavior of others. Truth is, two years ago, I needed to get off the damn computer and live out my life, for better or for worse. Even though the knotties were a little evil in their methods, I got the message. And now, after the dust has settled, I would up with friends who've stood the test of time. Well, 3 years is pretty long in the land of the knot, anyway!
　

Envelope Emergency

As I wrote these words as the subject line of an email early on a Sunday morning, I couldn't resist noting their ridiculousness in the text of my email just below. Who has an "envelope emergency"? Hallmark? It just sounds ludicrous.

We had, at this point, spent something like 4 and a half months on our invitation suite, going back and forth with our designer to strike the right balance between "formal" and "vintage-y", trying to make sure our invite looked modern but still fancy. While I love wedding blogs, I'm not really a visual person, so it took a lot of time to get there. Add in the fact that certain pocketfolds only come in these 14 colors (that are not "our" color), and certain inserts only go into certain pocketfolds, and you can't print on certain envelopes, and...omg, I thought my head was going to explode. Oh, and lawyers + proofreading = absolute madness. I think Groomy was the first one of our invitation designer's customers to ever look up the correct French wording for R.S.V.P.

So, we get the invitations (gorgeous!), spend inordinate amounts of time assembling them, numbering the RSVP cards in invisible ink (in case someone forgets to write their name, we won't have to spend hours playing CSI: Home Edition to figure out who they are), folding 115 belly bands and tying 115 ribbons. Awesome. We send our envelopes off to the calligrapher complete with ridiculously organized excel guest list and custom-made envelope liner paper and wait.

We wait and wait until we're a few days past the "deadline" for mailing (1 month before the RSVP date). I don't freak out, because, hey, what's a few days? I'm Laid-Back Cool Bride.

Finally, I start to get a little antsy and, when the calligrapher tells me the envelopes are ready to ship, I ask her to overnight them, so we can get everything stuffed and stamped.

We get them on that glorious Sunday morning, as we're rushing out to meet with our day-of coordinator, and open the box excitedly. They're....pink...ish? Ok, weird, but not terrible. I guess brown meant something different to me than to her. I flip the envelope over to see gorgeous chocolate brown for the return address. Cool! 'Cept they don't match...oh well! Let's look at the lining I debated over for a week! Yay.

Oh...it looks...kind of like crap. It's crooked and there's glue spilling out of the side. It's not the same shape as the envelope. Oh. Hmmm. I'm kind of pissed at this point. I look at Groomy and flatly announce "I don't like them." this quickly escalates into "I am not sending our gorgeous invitations in thesecrappyenvelopesandifIwantedthemtolookcrappyIwould'vedonethemmyself...."

You see, gentle readers, this calligrapher charges a significant amount of money for these services. So when I got back work that looked like I could've done it at home for free while watching a Criminal Minds marathon on A&E, it made me a little cranky.

So, what to do? Calligrapher used all our envelopes, so we've got to get more, at least as a first step. This is when I sat down and typed the hurried "Envelope Emergency" email to my invitation designer, all the while laughing at myself just a little. In the end, everything turned out fine. Groomy and I scoured the city for similar envelopes, lined them ourselves, and found a new calligrapher. And, unlike the original plan for our envelopes, where I made most of the decisions and arrangements, we did it together. We had to change the style of the envelopes and the liners last minute, but I like ours better. And we will always have the memory of Groomy with my pink paper cutter showing me the right way to cut the liners and knowing that, no, I am not the queen of all things crafty and wedding and how glad I am that my fiance is here alongside me, working things out.

This is Your Life

So, I blogged about all the boring stuff you do 8 months out, and then I dropped out just when things got interesting. I suck, eh?

Now, we're about two months out and things are finally happening! Invitations are assembled and on their way out the door (not without a tiny bit of drama, natch), dresses are in (some fit, some don't), and this is all beginning to feel real. Somewhere along the line, it occurred to me that this is it. For better or worse, this is our engagement and our wedding. Whatever happens, these are the memories we are going to have for the rest of our lives.

This is why I hung my head in shame after I yelled at Groomy about envelopes. Was I yelling AT him? Not really. But when we got our envelopes back from the calligrapher and they looked kind of like they were prepared by a visually-impaired retirement home resident with decreased motor skills, and Groomy dared to imply that no one would notice, I kind of...lost it. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO ONE WILL NOTICE? I WILL NOTICE!!!!", I bellowed. Smooth move, there, Bridezilla. Luckily, Groomy knows enough not to take my Incredible Hulk persona seriously. And I apologized profusely.

Not that we all haven't had our share of moments. When I inquired as to the status of some wedding task Groomy should've completed a while back, he icily informed me he was "working" in a condescending tone. My reply, that I had never held a job and certainly couldn't imagine what it's like to be a lawyer, had us giggling afterwards. While I can't say it's a great thing that we let the wedding stress get to us every now and then, I am glad that we are going through it together. I feel like it's a testament to our relationship that we can make it though the tough moments and let them roll off our collective back. It makes the moment we've spent all this time preparing for, that moment we become husband and wife, that much sweeter.